You First!

You First!

I was on a recent Delta flight from Southern California to Florida. I usually fly Southwest Airlines but found a much cheaper flight to spend the 3-day weekend with my best gal pals from high school. As I sat in my seat and greeted my seatmates, I looked around and noted the differences between the two airlines.

First, my seat was more comfortable. I had more room; so much room that I was thinking, “Have I lost weight?” :-] Next, there were tablets on the back of each headrest which allowed travelers to listen to music, watch movies or even play games. The engagement opportunities were plentiful and I didn’t have to worry so much about using all of my cell phone battery because there was a charging station as well.

As I began to dutifully listen to the in-flight instructions, I noted the final difference. The attendant stated at the close of her spiel, “Please adjust your own mask before helping others.” I fly several times per year so I hear variations of this instruction. This particular directive captured my attention…so much so that I typed it into my phone’s note-taking app for safe keeping.

See, it impacted me so greatly because up until my late 30s I’d been notorious for taking care of everyone before I took care of myself. I did not see this as a problem. I was a wife and a mom of three at the time. I saw this as my primary role in life; to care for those that I love. I simply forgot to really love myself. I put myself last on the list of needs and wants that were obtained. The only thing I did for myself on a regular basis was escaping to my room with my Christian cable tv channels and my novel of choice. That escape often didn’t last too long because my kiddos had activities to get to, be picked up from or I had dinner to prepare and papers to grade.

This self-negligence came to a crisis moment in my late 30s and I began to question everything in my life. I questioned my relationships, my career as a middle-school teacher, my parenting style and even my decisions on happiness. I realized that I wasn’t happy. I was striving. After years of striving and meeting these self-imposed milestones, I felt as if I was on a sinking raft with no one to pull me to safety.

The husband and children that I had doted on for almost 20 years were so self-absorbed in this cocoon of my making, that they could not sense my inner struggle. I didn’t alert them…didn’t want to make their lives uncomfortable. I simply strived and kept smiling, until I wasn’t. My husband was transferred to the Gulf region after Hurricane Katrina. Hubby moved first and got everything settled for us to move down later after the school year was finished. We were maintaining two separate homes which should have been taxing; but it is at this point that I found myself.

I no longer had a husband present every day to cater to so I began to cater to myself. Unapologetically. I stopped stressing about dinner and we ate out most nights after coming home from football practice, gymnastics lessons or dance. After checking homework and putting the kids to bed, I watched what I wanted on television at night before keeping the light on reading until the wee hours of the morning. I hired a housekeeper to come in and do a bit of cleaning while I was at work. I spent more time shopping with my daughters on the weekends. We learned a lot about fashion trends and makeup. Me and the kids drove around the neighborhood in our free time looking at model homes. We wrote down ideas and re-designed our backyard thereby creating a garden oasis. We visited pet stores every week looking for a teacup Yorkie…eventually settling on a beautiful yet shy Shih Tzu, who is now our resident senior citizen.

Sounds simple, huh? Here’s the thing. I learned at an early age to perform well if I wanted to be valued and accepted. Those people-pleasing behaviors followed me into marriage and motherhood. When you have spent your entire adult life building relationships and pouring into others, you may experience challenges when it comes to pouring into oneself. I had to relearn me. I had to identify what I found enjoyable. I became friends with myself. I learned not to make a practice of putting others before myself. Additionally, I had to beat back the guilt that I felt for putting myself first. The Lord had to go in and incise some of the foolishness of religious legalism out of the layers of my soul. Some factions of traditional society teach us to place everyone else first in order to be classified as a good mother and wife, but I should have known better. “Love your neighbor as yourself” is one of those scriptures that we can easily recite; but do we really live it? Do we love ourselves? Think so? Then tell me your self-care regimen.

We must put our masks on first because if we don’t take care of self then everything perishes. We must adjust our masks before helping others to ensure that our flow of oxygen is sufficient. If we ‘check out’, no one will be around to take care of the others. Bottom line: we are valuable too. Yes, the caretakers of the family (moms/wives; dads/husbands) have an awesome role and an incredible purpose; however, that designation does not trump the love we should show to ourselves.

Feel free to comment below. Share your self-care regimen with us! 🙂